the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
