The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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