I cannot find my penis.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
