Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
