i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
