youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
