I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
