If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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