I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
