Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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