1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize