Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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