How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This is my gift to your gina
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
