The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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