So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Randomize
