i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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