this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize