I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
