If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
