God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize