If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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