Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
