i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He? As in you personified your dick?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize