Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
