my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
