I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
