can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
