im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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