im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
