Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
