he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize