I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
