so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize