She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just want to make out with him forever
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
