My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
