so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
