i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Let's get the cat blown out
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
