I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
