the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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