Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
