My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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