between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
