I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
