Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
