We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
not ubering you a puppy
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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