1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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