If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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