dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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