So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i think i just lost a toe
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
