Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
