Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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