I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
