I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
