i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize