Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize