Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
