I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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