Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
