ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
