I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
