so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
